In the Beginning

 

When embarking on a project I always feel EXCITEMENT while waiting for the result of the funding application which either ends in disappointment or an oddly flat feeling and anxiety. The result of change / difference / needing to refocus and meet the requirement of my self imposed direction. It took me 3 months to change the tea that I drink. The last time I had to change my toothpaste it took me a year to find a taste that I could cope with. 

CHANGE isn't easy when you are autistic, even if you have invited change in. 

I can't really explain why I don't feel excitement on a positive outcome - just numb. Between submitting the funding application and hearing the outcome I work through the possibilities and PLOT THE ROUTE in my head. I start to understand it intimately by embodying it. It becomes part of me. The IMPORTANCE then dawns on me and panic sets in. I've not documented the process going on in my head, all of that work is seemingly lost. Really, it isn't as I can still feel it inside me as shapes and textures, the potential of something new. It just isn't tangible to others in the REAL WORLD. 

The dilemma now is where to start.

Do I backtrack or start where I am? This research and development is a springboard to understanding my creative processes more deeply and to creating a sustainable practice in all senses of the word but especially neurodivergent wellbeing. 

I am GRATEFUL for the opportunity.